Ashtray Rantings: The blundering word vomit of a would-be cynic . Occasionally poetic, hopefully insightful, intentionally problematic.
So you meet a perky blonde in a bright yellow sundress and you take her out to dinner. Everything is going great! Perfect really. But as you go to pay the bill she whips out her wallet and insists on paying half. Uh oh! Looks like you’ve got yourself a feminist on your hands! Not to worry though, with this easy guide you’ll have her fixed up in no time.
By Jordan Bates-Wright
Step one: Don’t kiss her until the third date, let her wonder why. (Insecurity is key!)
Step two: When you finally do get around to kissing her, sigh sweetly in her ear. Tell her she’s beautiful, tell her that all the stars in the sky could never outshine her smile.
Step three: Make her feel like a princess. Worship the ground she walks on. The first time you share a bed whisper that you love her, tell her, “no one will ever be able to love you the way I do.”
Step four: Ask her to move in with you, when she asks you why so soon tell her you want to be able to protect her in case anything ever happened. When she insists that she can protect herself, laugh. Tell her it would still make you feel better if she were with you.
Step five: Live out the honeymoon phase. Take her out to dinner every night, buy her flowers, call her baby.
Step six: The next time she wants to go out for dinner watch her put on her favourite dress and ask her if she really wants to go out like that. Tell her that the dress is looking a little snug.
Step seven: Restrict her diet. Deprive her of food like you would an overweight animal, when she steps on the scale wrap your hands around her hip bones and tell her that she’s never looked more beautiful.
Step eight: Stop going out altogether. When her friends call, get angry. Smash the phone against the wall and when her face turns into a mask of fear hold her in your arms, whisper that you’re sorry but you just can’t stand how her friends talk about her behind her back. Tell her you’re afraid that they’ll turn her against you.
Step nine: When she gets ready for work in the morning ask her to go back to sleep. Tell her that you’ll take care of her and she’ll never have to work again.
Step ten: Paint the windows black, block out the sun until the only thing she can see is you.
Step eleven: For her birthday give her a collar made of diamonds, remind her that she belongs to you.
Step twelve: Finally, strip away anything that still exists from her old life. Change her phone number, her name, her hairstyle, just take and take and take until she can no longer recognize the girl who stares back at her in the mirror. Burn these words into her flesh, make certain she will never forget she is nothing without you.
Congratulations! You’ve officially cured your feminist and created the perfect woman!
For more tips and tricks visit www.meninistdaily.douchebag.com.
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